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Are mixed marriages ok?
Written by Duncan Monday, 08 March 2010
ShareNigerians of all walks of life debate on the merits and demerits of inter tribal or mixed marriages, in a nation slowly taking its place in the global village.
Olusina Ayodele, a media practitioner with an Abuja based tabloid probably got the rudest shock of his life few days into the new year, when his fiancée, Osemudiamen Ehime (real name withheld), a youth corp member serving in the same city, called off their 6 month old relationship for a reason that he still finds hard to come to terms with, weeks after the painful break up. Looking forward to a blissful year which he had hoped would ultimately culminate in the tying of the nuptial knots sometime in December, the current year, he had received the surprise new year package from his ‘heartthrob”, who had visited her home town ostensibly to inform her parents about the budding relationship. According to the ‘corper’ who unsuccessfully endeavored to create a myriad of other subtle reasons, her parents were not comfortable with the fact that their daughter could not find a suitable spouse from the thousands of young men who shared similar cultural and tribal links with her. Her decision to even think of walking down the aisle with the man in question given his ‘tribal antecedents’, was said to have particularly irked the young lady’s mother, who did not mince words in asking her daughter to call off the relationship immediately.
Ayodele’s world came crashing on hearing the news. It took the spirited intervention of friends, relatives and other well wishers, before he could emerge from the depression that engulfed him subsequently. According to him what saddened him was not actually the time and energy wasted in nurturing the relationship, or the embarrassment the separation caused him amongst friends and family members, who had looked forward enthusiastically to the marital union. What got to him was the calmness exhibited by the lady in question, when she told him point blank that the relationship could not go on, coupled with the indifference equally exuded by her. ‘When she finally came to the main reason why the relationship could not go on after she had indulged in a plethora of lies and half truths, what struck me ironically was the eerie feeling that maybe something was actually wrong with the tribe to which I belonged. It was funny but I actually began to think that that maybe it was because of this that she was calling it all off, and maybe her mother was actually right. But then I came to my senses when I recalled that similar inter tribal marriages which I had witnessed in the past had succeeded, so what was wrong with ours? My only consolation however after emerging from a spell of depression was the fact that it all ended on that note ,as obviously the relationship was never meant to last since it was just a relationship of convenience for my partner who was not willing to defend the relationship from the primordial attacks from her folks . However it shook the foundation of my belief in the workability and sustainability of inter tribal or mixed marriages.’ Despite the pain of what he calls betrayal however, the young man still hopes one day to get married to a partner from another tribe as this has always been his desire.
Anytime the issue of inter tribal marriage occurs, many nerves are inadvertently ruffled. Interestingly many schools of thought immediately emerge. It is a topic which has elicited diverse reactions from all classes of Nigerians irrespective of social, tribal, religious or philosophical underpinnings. While a great many people unapologetically kick against such marriages, and are vociferous in their opposition to it, another class no less formidable, is equally irate that the union of persons from different tribal origins should create rumpus, which at times leads to broken relationships, pain, disillusionment and in some cases suicide.
There was a flurry in the press in Lagos a few years back when a young lady allegedly took her life when her parents stated their opposition to her relationship with a young man, whose only crime was the fact that he came from a ‘wrong’ part of the country. The victim, in a suicide note left behind, said that the only barrier that was capable of separating her from her beau was death, a route she had decided to take.
For those who oppose such inter tribal marriages however, many reasons according to them necessitate their antagonism. For 50 year old Mrs Adeleye Olabisi, a nurse, she would never allow any of her children to marry from any other tribe except from hers. When asked why she has decided to take this position, she enthuses: ‘Even amongst my tribe there are certain dialects from which I would not want my children to marry from (she takes ample time to reel off an astonishing list of Yoruba dialects and sub tribes, and perceived shortcomings each has, some comical, other simply bizarre). But even if they want to marry from these I would allow them, rather than marry out rightly from another tribe entirely. In the days of our forefathers it was a common thing to marry from families you can vouch for, especially those that are resident in ones community. The elders would just do a little bit of fact finding to find out if there are no serious impediments to the union. That is all. That is why marriages of our parents were always successful. But where you have children like nowadays who abandon their communities to go and look for spouses in other areas of the country, that takes at times several days to access, there are numerous problems attached to this. Apart from the language barrier, the different backgrounds from which they come from will serve as a form of challenge to the success of such marriages. But all these are absent when both have similar tribal backgrounds…’
Mrs Ronke Afolabi, a staff of the German Embasssy, however opines that tribal sentiments should not affect considerations in nuptials. She adds that her marriage to a man from the north has not in any way affected their union adversely. Rather, she says the marriage keeps growing in leaps and bounds on a daily basis. ‘The problem we have here is that of stereotyping which is a Nigerian thing. We believe that because a person belongs to a particular culture, then he must have certain traits which are unique to his or her tribe. This is bad and has no basis. We should relate to every individual as a unique person, and not as a member of a particular tribe!’
Yusuf Adebajo, another respondent, is of the same opinion. He enthuses: ‘inter-tribal marriage is working in Nigeria but not 100%.Perhaps some due to their level of exposure, kick against such unions! My kid sister is a Yoruba Muslim but married to a Christian! Not only a Christian but an Ibo guy! My father gave his consent! And they are blessed with a son now; and are living happily together because of the true love and affection they both have towards themselves, and which should just be the basis of every relationship that will culminate into marriage, irrespective of ethnic and religious differences! We need to sensitize and educate people in Nigeria to embrace the idea, because of the future of the younger generations.’
However are there challenges? Of course there are, says another respondent, Nwokolo Austin. He avers, ‘inter tribal marriage brings unity and understanding between people from different backgrounds, broadens their views about life, issues and they are better at coping with varieties. The challenges could be daunting of course. Trust and bonding may be difficult to achieve, and the ease of separation is high. Besides, it is expensive as it entails patronizing two cultures or in some cases, faiths whenever there are challenges - death/burial, marriage, ceremonies and parties. Also children born into such homes, may end up not having clear identities as to where they belong.’
Despite this, Seyi Anthony believes such challenges can be surmounted, if national unity exists as a value for every Nigerian. ‘The entire world has moved on and is currently exploiting diversity and a multicultural society: Asians, Whites and Blacks alike; forging ahead in unity and embracing complex diversity via social cohesion, intermarriage, community bridging and etc. We are still very much behind, still discussing the benefits of inter tribal marriage and religion. Are we not one Nigeria? Are we not one people and one nation, regardless of faith, tribe and geographical distribution?’ he queries.
I.A. Akunneto, director of Ibohayo Youth League is a man at the forefront of promoting national unity through inter-tribal marriages, and he concludes: ‘disunity is the bane of any society composed of men with common hope, common faith, and common aspiration. The people of Nigeria, whether they are from the North, the South, the East, or the West, have one common destiny. We should encourage inter-tribal marriages. There is no reason why an Ibo man should not marry a Hausa girl, or a Hausa man marrying a Yoruba, nor can the Yoruba man adduce any law forbidden his marriage with a Cameroonian! We were created by one God…’
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